hannah rené

Sadie

2010-01-31T11:21:00.002-05:00

Update on my health

2010-01-25T14:21:00.001-05:00

It's been almost a month since I first started learning about the source of my chronic pain, and since writing my last blog I have learned so, so much more about what is going on with me.

I went to California this past weekend for my third appointment with my specialist, Dr. Tamura. He has seriously been a life saver - so knowledgeable, caring, and for whatever reason has really gone the extra mile with my case. We went out to lunch together and had a five hour appointment during which I got a serious crash course in physiology.

I learned that the problem with my C1 and C2 vertebrae being out of place is putting constant strain on my HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortical axis.) Your HPA axis is responsible for your "fight or flight" response to stressful stimuli. Essentially, when you are in an incredibly stressful moment (being chased by a murderer) your body gears up to either fight, or run like hell. Our bodies release hormones like adrenaline and cortisol to help us cope for a short period of time, just long enough to fight or to get away. The HPA axis is meant to be turned on for a short while, then turned off. As a result of my chronic pain and my cervical spine subluxation, my HPA axis was turned on and apparently never got turned off.

I got results back from a neurotransmitter test I had done in New York and they show very, very high levels of all of the neurotransmitters relating to stress - epinephrine, norepinephrine, GABA. I also have high levels of glutamate, a neurotransmitter which can permanently damage nerves if it is too abundant. Basically, my chronic pain is creating a cycle by which my body is in constant panic, feels under constant attack, and is responding by releasing a constant flow of chemicals to cope with the pain - which in large amounts are toxic. As a result my entire body is slowly being damaged in all sorts of really scary ways, some of which can lead to even more advanced diseases and death.

While I was in California I got my mouthpiece which will help heal my broken jaw, which is the source of this insane domino effect of health problems. The mouthpiece is a plastic piece that sits over my bottom teeth and changes the way my top and bottom teeth align, which changes the way my jaw sits. The jaw joint consists of a ball in a socket, with a pad in between to help the joint glide open and shut smoothly. On my right side, the pad is completely knocked out of the socket, and consequently that joint does not function properly and causes serious pain and damage to the surrounding tissue. This mouthpiece positions my jaw in such a way that, with time and physical therapy, the pad should be able to move back into the right spot and restore the health of my jaw joint. I need to wear this mouth piece as much as possible.

I received my second physical therapy while in California and it was so incredible I wanted to cry. After enlongating and loosening up my cervical spine, I literally felt some of the nerves that are being pinched shoot heat and tingliness down into my right arm and down my back. This gives me incredible hope, because if I can feel that nerve releasing even for a second, maybe in the future it will be able to fully release and give me some relief.

I want everyone to understand where I am with all of this because it has been such a crazy and terrifying month for me in terms of my health. Being able to come out to friends as someone living with a disability has been really trying, and I've had an especially hard time feeling like my friends do not understand how serious what I am going through is, and how it is impacting me physically and emotionally.

I am in constant pain on one half of my body, all day, every day, and have been for years. My pain feels like an exposed nerve being prodded at relentlessly. Sometimes it is only as distracting as hearing music in the background and sometimes it is as debilitating as having an amplifier blasting offensively loud feedback straight into your eardrum. I have had countless doctors and even family members discredit me and tell me what I am feeling is not real. I have only been receiving help for this for a month, have only been sharing this publicly for a month, and I do so because I desperately need the support and understanding of my friends. This is scary and difficult and I really appreciate the support I have from my family and a few of my friends. I ask that you all try to understand and be kind to me as I go through this.

I am always happy to talk to people about what I am going through, so if you want to know more about my health problems, just ask.

Thanks for your support.

Friends, please read this!

2009-12-24T21:19:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know about what I’ve been going through for the past eight or nine years, and what is happening with me now. I have a medical condition that has been undiagnosed since I was fifteen or so, and I have not discussed it with most of my friends because…well…what would have been the point? No doctor had been able to figure out what’s wrong with me, most of them said that what I say I feel doesn’t exist, and I’ve been constantly written off for saying that I had these symptoms which seemed so mysterious to doctors, friends, and family. I’ve been really quiet about it and that hasn’t been fun. This week I finally found a doctor who has determined what is going on, so I wanted to share all of it with you.

For eight or more years I have felt constant, unrelenting pain on the entire right side of my body, head to toe. Sometimes it’s less painful, sometimes it’s excruciating, but it’s always there. A lot of the time it’s so bad that I can hardly handle it. I have told few people about this but the people who do know can attest to how unbearable this has been for me, and it’s been even harder to go through it without a diagnosis or support from friends. Over the years I’ve gone to many doctors, none of whom helped at all. Countless tests and MRIs have come up with nothing. I have had no reason to think this could ever go away and having symptoms that no one believes you have has been seriously trying.

This week a doctor in Los Angeles finally determined what is going on. I’ll try to sum it up as quickly as possible.

My jaw has been damaged since I was very young, resulting from having an orthodontist who did a very shitty job when I was nine. As a teenager my jaw got worse and ended up getting stuck shut, at which point I was hospitalized and they got it un-stuck…but permanently damaged the right side of my jaw. Basically, this resulted in my bite being very off, which has destroyed all of the muscles on the right side of my head, with the left side now having to work overtime. Because of my bite being off and my muscles being distorted, my teeth have moved and my tongue is pushed back so that I would not be able to breathe if I were to maintain proper posture. As a result, my neck has pushed forward so that my airway opens so I don’t stop breathing. So…my cervical spine (the vertebrae in your neck) is now pushed forward, rather than standing straight. And what’s in the middle of your cervical spine? Your brain stem and spinal cord, which shoot out nerves to each side of your body. So, my C1 and C2 vertebrae are distorted and subluxated on the right ride, which is pinching and tearing my nerves on the right side. Ta-da! Pain on the entire right side.

Over the next few years I am going to be receiving a lot of treatment. Both of my doctors that are helping me with this are out of state (CA and NY) so I will have to do a lot of traveling. The first thing that is happening is that I will have to wear a mouthpiece that fixes the way that I use my jaw so that I stop damaging all the muscles and tissue and start using my jaw the correct way. I’ll also be doing a lot of physical therapy and will eventually end up needing braces to correct the way my teeth meet up so that I can breathe, which will allow my neck to sit correctly and stop pinching those nerves. I may need surgery at some point but I’m not sure of that yet. At any rate, a lot of treatment is going to be happening, and my friends should know that.

It has really, really sucked to go through this alone, so just letting everyone know what is going on feels very therapeutic to me. Please just keep all this in mind so if I am having to travel a lot, or am in pain, or have something funny in my mouth, you will know what is going on (and hopefully not make fun of me too much.) This has been really hard and I can’t say how excited I am to have even an ounce of hope that it will get better. I really appreciate any support I can get from friends right now. I’m going to be fine and persevere (like I always do!) but I’m realizing now that that will be so much easier if everyone knows what’s going on. So there you have it.

On plucking baby coconuts from trees

2009-07-21T00:51:00.006-04:00

While at a playground during work on Friday, I was speaking with another therapist under a tall tree when I noticed two green eyes staring at me through the leaves. A tiny kitten, too weak to lift her head or make a sound, was laying on a branch about fifteen feet in the air. I got the wild idea to climb the fence surrounding the playground and hop onto the tree to try to help her, and after ten or fifteen minutes of climbing, reaching, and encouraging her with cat food from a nearby bodega, this little one crawled right into my hands.

This baby was so thin and weak; she went back and forth between eating and sleeping in the lunch room of my work, and spent most of the first night curled in a ball on a towel.

Alex and I took her to the vet the next morning. A few hours after receiving some medical care, she seemed to begin perking up a bit...

and it turns out she is a total cuddlebug.

She's doing better by the hour and is starting to get used to living indoors -- a big change from her former tree-dwelling days for sure.

She's slowly learning to do cat-things...

although she's still a bit awkward and clumsy! :)

Mr. Tool Lady isn't exactly thrilled with her, as demonstrated by this epic grimace. He'll get over it.

I didn't imagine that anytime soon I would be adopting a kitten, but after just a few days she has completely won me over...

Little Coco, the tiny tree-kitten, is here to stay. :)

The past month in photos

2009-06-16T17:14:00.011-04:00

P.S. Sad Boy!

2009-05-28T23:16:00.003-04:00

Just thought I'd share these.

I am loving this kid's train of thought (or lack thereof.)

Rape.

2009-05-15T15:20:00.006-04:00

You hate it, don’t you?

It is very easy to say you hate rape. It is very easy to think that you are anti-rape. It is also very easy to directly participate in and perpetuate a rape culture if you do not actively seek to understand the massive fucking mechanism that allows this shit to happen in the first place.

Rape is not about sex. Rape is about power, and rape is about silencing.

What does it feel like to be a survivor? It feels like having your larynx ripped right out of your fucking neck. Your voice does not exist or matter. You are a vacant body free for the taking. You want to say “no”? Your “no” doesn’t matter. You want to scream? Your screams don’t matter. You want to run away? Your power to move is taken from you. Your voice does not fucking exist.

Rape is fucking ugly. Rape is an unrelenting tidal wave of shit and piss and broken glass and blood and its survivors have to choke on the shit silently every fucking day. Any discussion of rape must mirror the filthy, sordid nightmare that survivors experience; otherwise we are doing nothing but perpetuating the silence that makes this violent beast move. Survivors need to be honored, heard, validated, and supported in any expression of this pain and trauma. If you are anti-rape, you must be anti-silence and thus pro-survivor and pro-voice. Do not ask someone to pretty up the picture for you because it is too much for you to take. Do not trivialize the experiences of others unless you are personally prepared to wave the rape-enabling hate-flag of your own silencing.

People perpetuate rape culture every single day without knowing it. Do you silence the expressions of those around you by laughing instead of listening? Do you verbally berate your partner for being themselves and expressing their wants, their needs, their beliefs? Do you actively seek consent? Do you respect when someone lays out a boundary with you, or do you keep pushing and ignore their “no”? This extends to all areas of social interaction. If a person says "no" to your advances, and you do not stop there, you are supporting the silencing of others. If a person shares a story, a desire, a thought, a feeling, and you tell them they are wrong, flawed, or should feel guilty for who they are, you are supporting the silencing of others.

Our racist, sexist, capitalist, blood-thirsty culture preys upon my right and your right to say “no” and to express ourselves in a way that is true and meaningful every single day. I am over it. I have a fucking voice, and that voice matters. I refuse to apologize for being myself, for having the experiences that I have, for having the boundaries that I have, and for expressing myself in any way that I see fit. I am not fucking sorry.

Bunbun

2009-04-26T19:41:00.007-04:00

Today was Dina's first outing in Philadelphia...

I saw this cute little mesh harness at a shop the other day and couldn't resist...I literally stood there for 15 minutes contemplating which color would suit her best. I think the purple looks pretty damn cute.

I brought a cardboard hideaway for her in case she was feeling scared; she stayed in there for the first several minutes, but was slowly lured out by various types of food...

Four-eyes/Four-ears

Nom nom nom. How cute is she?!

What a photogenic little bun. Can't wait to take her out again next weekend!

California

2009-04-11T03:07:00.032-04:00

As soon as I arrived, I was on a food mission. We stopped at a really yummy vegan soul food restaurant in Inglewood, just a few miles from the airport. My mum got the enchilada pie, and I got tofu tacos and mac 'n' cheese. Everything was delicious!

Despite having a pretty odd name, Stuff I Eat was an incredible little spot.

Very happy to be reunited!

The Getty had some very interesting artwork; my favorite, of course, was the set of erotic dessert photography.

The gardens were gorgeous,

and the sun was very, very bright. I was so happy to be in LA.

...

Beach day

"Boobs out! Butt out!" I don't know a thing about being a babe, and I think I'm okay with that.

That night, Laura and I went to Flores, a cute little vegan restaurant in Silverlake. The food was incredible (I got the tempeh reuben) but our waiter was completely baked. At least it was entertaining watching him stumble around and give us steak knives with our cupcakes, saying, "sometimes it's fun to, uh, cut up a cupcake." Right.

...

Come on down

My mum and I went on the price is right. Ha! I'll be honest, I've actually never watched the show and don't own a TV. But it was hilarious. Everyone who goes on that show is out of their fucking minds. If you want to watch my mum and I cracking up in the audience, the episode airs April 23.

Later that night I went to my Dad's for a bit. Jeanne made a beautiful dinner - carrot apple leek soup and a chopped salad. That soup was absolutely phenomenal.

It's been a long time since I've seen the pups, so it was great to spend some time with them. I can't believe Bubba (left) is 14.

...

Day of rest

I was pretty bummed that my plans with my Dad fell through this day. I ended up laying outside and getting a lot of reading done. Gender Outlaw by Kate Bornstein was completely inspiring.

...

Disney days

Lily was very brave and went on the two fastest roller coasters in the park...

...it wasn't quite as easy to convince her to ride the tower of terror. Please note that I am hugging her while free-falling. That's love.

This was a little creepy.

...

Treats and beaches

Real Food Daily is my favorite place to eat in LA - but this was my first time going to the Santa Monica location. It was very cute and located just a few blocks from the beach. They have an entire bakery next door, which was beyond exciting. I got the chocolate tart, the key lime cheesecake, and a little chocolate coconut square. Yum. The chocolate tart was my favorite.

Cashew-cheese nachos and tempeh nori rolls on the beach

Even the seagulls couldn't resist RFD's cashew cheese.

The last night there, I took my little sisters to see the Hannah Montana movie. Alright, I'll admit it. It was pretty entertaining.

I promised them I would bake something with them, but unfortunately the kitchen was really limiting since there were so few ingredients. We did make some very tasty vegan sugar cookies, though, with a total of about 6 ingredients. They were really pretty, but unfortunately by the time we finished I was so tired that I totally forgot to even get a photo!

...

All in all it was a really fun week. I've decided that LA probably is probably a better place for me to visit than to live, so I'm back at square one trying to figure out where I want to go next. No place really feels like home to me and that's probably okay. At least I've always got my nutty family.

Boom boom clap

2009-04-11T02:51:00.004-04:00

Proof that I am an excellent big sister but a terrible dancer:

Nightmares.

2009-03-15T10:18:00.002-04:00

I've always had a very active dreaming life. Almost every single night, dating back to early childhood, I have had dreams jam-packed with imagery, memories, symbolism, emotions...and they are usually pleasant at best and a little upsetting at worst.

For several weeks now, though, I've been experiencing something very different. I've been having chronic nightmares, just about every night. Some nights they are so bad that I literally wake up crying, other nights I wake up anywhere between ten and thirty times and feel completely drained by morning, and every single morning after these occur I feel traumatized and extremely upset.

I've started reading some studies about PTSD and chronic nightmares, and many of them suggest that people can find relief and empowerment by actively changing the course of their nightmares. Some studies say to lay in bed and envision the nightmare, to revisualize your role within it, and to envision how you will confront the source of your emotional upset differently in your next nightmare. You rewrite the nightmare while awake and, I suppose, just hope that you will know you are dreaming next time you find yourself immersed in it. I haven't been so lucky yet - when I am in these nightmares, it varies between feeling intense sadness, feeling entirely suffocated by my surroundings, and feeling literally afraid for my life. None of these feelings ever feel false or dreamt up. They feel so all-encompassing that I often spend the first five minutes of my morning desperately trying to figure out if I am safe, and slowly recognizing that what just occurred was not real-life.

I feel totally lost about what to do. If I can't recognize that I am dreaming, then I will not be able to consciously control my dream. The character in my dreams is beginning to get more aggressive, and the content of my dreams is going from emotionally manageable to feeling like emotional torture. I've tried falling asleep to relaxing music, drinking chamomile tea, taking 5-htp, falling asleep to mindless television, revisualizing my nightmare content, and I feel like it is just getting worse.

Over the course of the last several weeks, the man in my nightmare has gradually gotten more threatening and closer in proximity to me. At first, he was in a large cardboard box, beating at the sides like a crazed animal, trying to escape and hurt me, and I would just stand there and watch this box with my hand over my mouth and my eyes filled with tears, wondering and hoping that it was strong enough to hold. Then, he was at my feet, grabbing at my ankles, screaming. Now, he is chasing me all over my dream world with a huge shotgun and he means serious business. In my dreams (much as in real life,) calling 911 does not get anyone there fast enough to help, and the other characters can empathize but never concretely help me or protect me from impending death.

I'm trying to accept that this is just where my mind is right now, and that that is okay, maybe even good and constructive. But I am finding no salvation in my nights and mornings, and am to a point where it is really, really fucking with my head.

Do you have recurring nightmares or upsetting recurring themes in your dreams? Has anything ever helped you conquer them, or at least diminish some of the anxiety and emotional upset?

On kids and gender.

2009-02-18T13:33:00.003-05:00

I don't think many people would disagree when I say that the policing of the gender binary starts in early childhood. Shame is passed down from parent to child, from advertisement to young consumer, and eventually the kids, innocent as they are, become the persecutors and dictators of gender 'normalcy' within their own peer groups. I see this occurring daily within the lives of the children I work with, and I feel a terrible sense of panic and responsibility each time it comes down to me to determine the direction this youthful discourse about gender will take.

I suppose the big question on my mind right now is this: as a young feminist working with impressionable young children, what can I do to best dismantle gender stereotypes and encourage the healthy development of childrens' perspectives about both their self-identities and the identities of others?

Take this example. One kid I work with often exhibits an interest in the 'feminine'; I have often found him using stickers as fake nails, taking an interest in friends' lipgloss and glitter, choosing the 'girl' toys when it comes to prize time. Not surprisingly, this often results in several of the young boys screaming "that's gay!" and "that's disgusting, that's for girls!" Something as small as this can give a child a terrible amount of shame and I have seen him fearfully looking around to see if the coast is clear when he does just about anything that is not consistent with the expectations of a young male. So what am I to do? There's no guide book to handling situations like this - in general, I have responded by modeling for the child a few ways to fight back. I'll say something to make fun of the students, like, "hey everyone, look at this kid, he's afraid to break rules about what girls and boys can do!" or "looks like someone's afraid of glitter!" I try to give the kids the idea that if anyone is going to be made to feel unwelcome in a community, it is going to be those who bully others over such trivial matters. But is fighting fire with fire the answer? They may be little boys, but I feel like if I don't extinguish the "that's gay, I'm going to beat you up" mentality early on, it only grows more deeply ingrained as the boys grow into men. But what is the most effective way to extinguish that mentality?

It's no different with young girls. Every day I'm horrified at the oversexualization of several of the third grade girls in my classroom. Hiking up skirts, moving hips and dancing in ways you would only expect to see in a Beyonce' music video, passing notes about having threesomes. Eight years old. And this behavior, too, is policed; the heavy-set "tom boy" is constantly under the scrutiny of young boys and girls alike, even being told in the cafeteria "you'll never get a boyfriend, you'll be homeless on the streets begging for change..." Again, I've tried extinguishing that, encouraging the young girl to stand up for herself and remaining her solid ally, making it clear with both children that when he gets to the real world, he will be hard-pressed to find a loving partner if that's how he treats others. And I wish I could be more confident that that was true.

Why is all of this problematic? Well, for one, it discourages children from expressing interests that could provide them with joy and provide the world with something that is inspired, something true. The more childrens' interests are stomped out, and the more childrens' appearances are laughed at and altered to reach the ideal, the further we move from an authentic humanity. This brings shame and fear to those children who are capable of conforming to these unrealistic expecations about gender, and it marginalizes those who cannot.

My fear is that if boys who beat up boys for liking glitter in third grade aren't enlightened early on, there will be more violence and cases such as Duanna Johnson's in the future.

My fear is that if girls are only accepted by their peers on the merit of their ability to adhere to strict beauty standards at age eight, we will continue to live in a world where women are objectified for their appearance, not honored for their personalities and contributions.

What are your thoughts? The schoolyard, the cafeteria, the classroom -- gender policing occurs in these settings so fast-paced that it seems to crash through almost every social interaction I witness, leaving its mark before I can even take a breath and create a plan of action. What's a young feminist to do?

At last.

2009-02-17T23:06:00.003-05:00

All of my wildest dreams have come true. For those of you who have been wanting to go vegan, but just couldn't kick the cravings for cattle guts and squid eyeballs, the Asian market down the street from my house is finally offering something special just for you...

Gross.

I can't wait until the next time someone asks me if all I can eat is salad and pasta, so I can gush over the delightful taste of baby squid eyes bursting in my mouth. Ew. Seriously, don't ever tell me it is hard to be vegan!

Spring cleaning

2009-02-13T00:57:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks have been unbelieveable. I'm feeling happier and more at peace with my life than I can remember being in a long time. Some of the highlights of my life lately, both big and small...

-Being reunited with my bunny. She is so happy to be home and seems to be feeding off of my energy, because she has been happier and cuddlier than I've ever known her to be for the past few days. Today we laid in bed together eating granola, and it was by far the cutest moment of my week.

-Getting healthy. Reading a book about nutritional psychology and being inspired completely. I've been sticking to foods that will feed my body and my mind exactly what they need to support emotional balance, and I feel like I've done a complete one-eighty.

-Going to the gym! I'm more flexible and energized than I've probably ever felt.

-Making new friends, keeping the old...growing deeper into the friendships I already have, and starting to make amazing new friendships. Seeing the good in people and letting them see the good in me.

-Making music again. Singing to my heart's content and playing guitar so much my fingers burn. I haven't touched an instrument since I moved to Philly, but that is changing...

-Getting my house in shape. Dancing around to the Cardigans while mopping and organizing. My house is cleaner than it's been since I moved in in June, and best of all, I have my whole room to myself now! It's coming together fantastically and now looks like a place where I live, not just a place where I survive. I've got everything I need.

-Working with the cutest kids ever. Never leaving work without feeling refreshed, productive, or at least entertained. That is, when I'm not being strangled and having silverware thrown at me...

-Learning. Reading four books at a time and feeling content with that. Not being shamed if I want to read a book about feminism or rape culture. Not being shamed about liking my vocabulary flashcards. Not being shamed period!

-Living my life. Cutting my hair how I want it cut, listening to the music I like to listen to, and going about my day as I see fit.

-Having a valentine's date. Oh my.

-Warm weather!!! Eating lunch outside without a jacket on. Sitting on walls eating vegan snickerdoodle ice cream in the sun. Going for long walks.

-Most importantly, really getting a hold on my life and my Self. Going to meetings, reading, writing, reaching out when I need to, laughing when I want to, being honest with myself and others when I am feeling sad, scared, happy, excited. Doing a moral inventory, and being content with exactly where I am. I am enough, and my life is good.

Moving along...

Oh, to be young.

2009-02-09T12:00:00.004-05:00

A small collection of notes from a third grade classroom in North Philadelphia.

More to come soon, I'm sure...

Grieving is healthy

2009-01-31T10:56:00.004-05:00

And I must be as healthy as ever.

This week has been killer. I've never been so emotional that it resulted in physical illness, but all week I have had horrible stomach pains and shortness of breath. Even though I am bouncing back and forth wildly between uncontrollable sobbing, emptiness, longing, aching, more sobbing...overall, I am feeling good. I feel good because I am more self-aware this week than I can ever remember being. Aware of my emotions, my needs, my past and unresolved issues.

I am figuring out a lot about myself. About how I function in a relationship. About the people I choose to let into my life, and why. And I am fighting, hard, to make this into a learning experience, not a tragedy. I have no need to point fingers and blame. I release myself from all of the pain of the relationship. I cannot change a person, but I can change myself, I can change how I interact with others, and I can change the types of people whom I allow in my heart. I cannot stop someone from being who they are, but I can stop myself from getting involved with people who bring me pain. I can seek to understand the mechanism that attracts me to codependent, unhealthy relationships. I know I can learn from this. I do deserve better.

I am reading a book that speaks, so much, to both roles in my relationship...

"Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than on love, can become self-destructive. They don't work. Too much need drives people away and smothers love. It scares people away. It attracts the wrong kind of people. And our real needs don't get met. Our real needs become greater and so does our despair. We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We are being controlled by him or her. We are dependent on that person. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person."
-Melody Beattie

As hard as this week has been, and as miserable as next week promises to be, I know that I will come out on the other side of this having adopted a healthier outlook and will be happy about the decisions I have made. I just have to get through this. I feel good about grieving; if I weren't grieving now, I'd only be postponing it. It is okay for me to be sad right now. And I am. Desperately, miserably, unbearably sad.

I am going to be okay.

Leap of faith

2009-01-28T00:06:00.005-05:00

I cannot:
-change others
-put together pieces that do not fit
-fix the past
-predict the future
-be a punching bag
-blame anyone but myself when history repeats itself
-pretend I do not love the one I am leaving,
or mistake these feelings for sensibility
-put myself in danger of losing my self worth
-let my fear of loneliness keep me in a painful relationship

I can:
-learn from my mistakes
-take the next right step
-try my best to make healthy decisions
-stay in the present moment
-keep my side of the street clean
-make sure I am getting enough food and sleep
-be gentle with myself
-stay open to new possibilities

I'm scared, devastated, achy, lonely, lost, hurt, shaken, living in a city where I know very few people, and have no idea what I am doing other than that I have got to get out of this before I stay in it and watch it continue to get worse.

I have to remind myself that just because I am suspended in the air does not mean that I am falling. I'm going to be okay.

I never believed in messages from the universe

2009-01-27T16:33:00.002-05:00

Last night as I was driving away from my home - everything I own in the backseat, eyes too soggy to make sense out of traffic - a car cut in front of me almost running me off the road. I caught my breath and rubbed my eyes, to see on the back of this car a large vinyl sticker: "He is who he is."

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk

2009-01-25T11:49:00.003-05:00

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk by Portia Nelson
Chapter 1.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I cant believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… its a habit.
But, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5.

I walk down another street.

Things that are pretty / things that have made me happy in the past ten days

2009-01-11T20:45:00.006-05:00

and

Time capsule

2009-01-02T19:34:00.012-05:00

My Great-Uncle Buzzy has lived in the same house in Manassas, Virginia for sixty-four years. Born as Charles Henry Shoemaker, he was nicknamed Buzzy as a kid and it stuck. When he was two he suffered from a high fever which resulted in severe brain damage and mental illness. Buzzy is one-of-a-kind, with his fluffy white hair and flannel shirts, his unintentionally, inappropriately loud voice, and his unwavering enthrallment over the postal service and the receiving of mail. He has been an uncle that I have seen only every so often, but every time, as far back as I can remember, he's told me the same four jokes:

-"How do you top a car? Tep on the break, tupid!"

-"How do you tease your hair?" (points at hair) "Nani-nani-boo-boo!"

-"Last night I saw something I couldn't get over. The moon!"

and

-"I sang a solo in church. I sang so-low you couldn't hear me."

His mother, Bessie Shoemaker (my Great-Grandmother, "Nanny") and I were close. She was a good, good woman, as they say. She taught me how to sew and knit at the kitchen table, she cooked amazing dinners, and she tried desperately to instill a deep religious faith in me (sorry Nanny!) She died when I was ten years old. Since she died, Buzzy has lived alone. The executor of the will, Buzzy's sister, is adamantly protective of the house and all of its contents. The house has not been cleaned or touched since Nanny died; everything is exactly as it always was, even in her bedroom drawers. It isn't what she would have wanted, but still, there it is. The house is surreal, sad, beautiful, and filled with incredible artifacts from my family's past. This place is a time capsule. A work of art. To me, at least.

This is my Nanny's dresser, just as it always was...

Old photos, jewelry, parfum powders, her hairbrush...

A photo of my Nanny and her husband, 1971

Drawer 1

Drawer 2

Drawer 3

Buzzy's medication dated 7-28-66

My Grandaddy: "To the most wonderful family in the world. Love, Jimmy"

My Grandaddy's birth certificate, Nanny's meds...

Me and Nanny

Old dictionary, old Hecht Co jewelry box

Nanny's bedside. I can't believe all of her meds are still just sitting there after eleven years.

Heading to the basement...

I am told that this is my great, great, great grandfather. This was the only picture on a wall in an empty room.

Nanny's old work space; canning jars

She would sit in this old rocking chair and can fruits and vegetables...

...many of which are still in the basement to this day.

I wish I knew the story behind this room.

Nanny as I remember her, and an old one of Buzz...

Buzzy today.

It's unbelievable how things turn out. All those pieces of my Nanny's life just sitting there, suspended in time, held captive by a daughter in denial, dusty and lifeless. All the hundreds of times that the sun has risen, shining through her window, onto an empty bed with the same bedsheets and the same medicines and the same old letters and lipliners. I really don't know how to feel about any of it.

Nightlife

2009-01-02T18:48:00.003-05:00

Late last night, after having fallen asleep, we were splashing in a pool of water, when you were approached by an angry hippopotamus. Before I could even scream to warn you, you were disappearing into his giant, slimy jaws. Helpless and furious, I gathered all of my strength and ran towards the hippo and your vanishing torso, and let out an earth-shaking, guttural ROAR. The hippo immediately shot a terrified look in my direction, spit you out, and scurried off into the distance. I pulled your body out of the water. By this point you were slippery with hippo saliva and your hair was a mess. We laid on the ground, shivering, shaking, and laughing at the whole thing.

My grandma studied dream analysis in college, and she says that we are, ourselves, every character in our dream. That to understand our dreams, we must consider that the interactions between the characters we create are really interactions between different parts of our self.

Last night, the protective part of myself conquered over the hungry hippo part of myself, to save the you part of myself.